i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
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