the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Randomize
