Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
