hahahahahahhahahahaha. 26, Dominican, has a funny accent, thinks I'm hot. Tots boning.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
