you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
