Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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