My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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