the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
It's 3am, i just got back from ht e bars and registered for classes larteeeeee. History of baseball at 8am? at least ill meet the only stragiht gusy at NYU!
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
