i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Randomize
