I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize
