Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
Randomize
