The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I think I just shit out all my problems.
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