I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Randomize
