i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
