My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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