Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
