Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
You know, be my cock's hype man.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
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