That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
