you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
