booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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