Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
Banned from zoo.
Again?
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
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He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
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his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Dicks are not precious.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
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