Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
