Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
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