Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Randomize
