I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Randomize
