His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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