Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
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