i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
