someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
Randomize
