she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
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