you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
Randomize
