I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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