Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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