I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Randomize
