My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Randomize
