just do it
fine only cuz shes asian
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Randomize
