My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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