My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
