so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
