i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
Randomize
