I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
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