Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
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