I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
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