If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
