I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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