and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
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