No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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