you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Randomize
