So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Randomize
