Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
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she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
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