but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
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