My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
just throwing this out there: period starts tomorrow sooo either sex tonight or not until tues/weds.
i get a bj anyways so it's really your choice.
k i'll be over in 5.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Randomize
