I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Randomize
