Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
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