Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
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