I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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