haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Randomize
