When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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