you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
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