so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
